An old roommate of mine once dropped on me the John Lennon quote of “life is what happens when you’re busy making plans” (although I never knew it was Lennon until recently). At the time I thought he was really being an asshole; now I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening to me.
I keep feeling a lot of pressure to be where I want to be in my career right now. If I could actually afford to buy a house with a mortgage and be able to pay for things from my writing, things would be a lot easier only because there wouldn’t be so much pressure on me to pay off everything I owe—because I could only afford a house if I was out of debt to begin with. Lately the only way that’s going to happen in less than ten years is to sell a screenplay; but at the same time, that looks less likely to happen. Plus I’m beating myself up for a lot of missed opportunities I should have taken and didn’t. I feel I could have been further on my way if I had said yes instead of no to one or two film opportunities. Instead I’m doing what I need to do to pay off bills and feeling like I’m sinking further and further into depression as my dreams get further and further away. Even when I take a couple of steps forward, I’m not fast enough and so I still fall behind. I’m feeling more stranded and that I’ll never get to where I want to.
I was just looking at an older blog entry where I said “people lead lives of quiet desperation; some are more desperate than others.”I’m feeling that way again. It’s hard just to stay focused when I’m stuck in a pit. While I love John Lennon, I hate his quote. Maybe because it feels too true.