December 31, 2007 by Dave.

I’ve been such a slug lately. I really have not been focused on things as I should be. I’ve got my web series pilot written and I should get onto the next episode. But nothing. I’m not so into writing as I was. I have a couple of events I’ve been wanting to blog about. I can’t get into it. I’ve got a couple of opening sentences but can’t get motivated to get the rest. I’ve been like that for at least two weeks now.

Unfortunately it’s more than just writing. I’ve been trying to get back into the dating world again. It’s tough especially when you feel like you approach it in a bout of desperation—I need to be with someone, NOW! It’s a horrible way of trying to meet and connect to someone. I’m having my own moments of despair with Sophia, too. She’s been more of a handful lately, wanting to play every minute of the day when I more often want to sleep or just can’t. There are too many days when I feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. The money situation of course makes all the above worse. Because I don’t have a lot of money, it’s hard to go out anywhere. Plus because of my shifts, I don’t have much time to go out with anyone. All the work I’m doing is to get me out of a financial hole, which isn’t growing but isn’t really getting a whole lot better. And the need to be out of debt just drives my desperation which screws me up and makes everything more messed up.

I hate being like this. Guess it’s more depression. Par for my life these days. It just sucks to be like this.

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December 31, 2007 by Dave.

An old roommate of mine once dropped on me the John Lennon quote of “life is what happens when you’re busy making plans” (although I never knew it was Lennon until recently). At the time I thought he was really being an asshole; now I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening to me.

I keep feeling a lot of pressure to be where I want to be in my career right now. If I could actually afford to buy a house with a mortgage and be able to pay for things from my writing, things would be a lot easier only because there wouldn’t be so much pressure on me to pay off everything I owe—because I could only afford a house if I was out of debt to begin with. Lately the only way that’s going to happen in less than ten years is to sell a screenplay; but at the same time, that looks less likely to happen. Plus I’m beating myself up for a lot of missed opportunities I should have taken and didn’t. I feel I could have been further on my way if I had said yes instead of no to one or two film opportunities. Instead I’m doing what I need to do to pay off bills and feeling like I’m sinking further and further into depression as my dreams get further and further away. Even when I take a couple of steps forward, I’m not fast enough and so I still fall behind. I’m feeling more stranded and that I’ll never get to where I want to.

I was just looking at an older blog entry where I said “people lead lives of quiet desperation; some are more desperate than others.”I’m feeling that way again. It’s hard just to stay focused when I’m stuck in a pit. While I love John Lennon, I hate his quote. Maybe because it feels too true.

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