This is probably one of my more disjointed journals because my head is all over the place these days. I have not been in the best emotional frame of mind the last few days, maybe even longer.
I think it kind of started soon after my October New York visit. Why is it that whenever I take a trip this year I come back more worse for wear? It’s not that I had a bad time. The reunion was cool, the conference was fun and I got to see a bunch of different friends that week. I think I got unsettled after all of that. Physically I was a little more on the ball trying to lose weight and stick to a diet. At the start of the conference, I lost all focus on that and haven’t really been consistently to the gym or got back on a diet since. I’ve been on my bike a little bit, but that was sporadic the last few weeks. A couple of weeks ago, the cyst on my kidney decided to grow causing a lot of pain in my back for a week. This meant no bike riding or going to the gym. Really though the lack of proper eating just screwed me up.
Although really I was kind of out of it in addition because of what happened with my car. When I came back I had to start looking for a new one. That’s been driving me nuts because it meant taking Sophia back and forth on a bus. It was fine for just me but to take three buses at a time to pick up my daughter and drop her off at school once in a while was too fucking annoying. It makes the stress of finding a good deal that much harder.
A good deal is needed because of where I’m at financially. I still have a huge debt to deal with on my credit card and am starting on my payment plan to pay down my taxes. The payments for the credit card are just too big right now. It does help that I’m working a lot of OT to pay off some of the debt, but it wears you down. It’s not a pace I like to keep going at, but I need to pay stuff off.
Then there’s the new project. Since the conference I knew that this project was going to take off and I needed to get it figured out and written. I’ve been writing character bios and doing research on stuff, but I’m dying to get to the actual script. I’ve been very impatient and needed to wait. However I recently started some work on the script, even though I really need two more character bios to finish. Not the best thing to do. I do need to go back and create the bios. Although really it’s more than just the bios.
There’s also the upcoming writer’s guild strike. While I’m not a WGA member, the strike still affects me. Anyone who sells to a studio struck by the guild can’t join the guild, so it makes it much longer before I can sell a screenplay of mine. The strike may go on for a few months so who knows when that will be settled. It’s not like I’m a hot commodity right now or sold anything, but if I want to join the Guild later on (which I do) I have to wait until the strike is over before I can even query anyone. No one in the industry is accepting or looking at new scripts now because of it.
I’m doing with this bios/project what I do in a lot of aspects of my life. I have this image of what I need to do and what I want to do and jump in rather than have a plan to what I need to do first. Or what I have planned on is not living up to what I had in mind. Either way it grates on me. To me there is a great disconnect of between what I want to do or have and what I have or am doing. All that does is make me more anxious about things and gets me no closer to where I need to be. Pretty much a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Then there’s my own ubiquitous problems with women—or lack thereof. I’m single and hating it, but I really have no time to do anything about it. Also my head is easily all over the map about any kind of relationship. Have you seen the tag line for the upcoming Robert Redford movie Lions for Lambs? It reads: “if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” That’s pretty much what’s happens to me with women. I feel like I’m just flailing around for some sort of affection that I’ll take anything right now. That potentially leads to a lot of bad situations. At the very least, it leaves me confused and not knowing what to do. It’s all part of my own emotional problems. I can’t be happy alone or with someone when I can’t be happy with my own life as it is. It sucks to live like this.