May 30, 2007 by Dave.

Saturday was one of those stifling summer days where the parents run faster to the ice cream truck than the kids. I was hoping an ice cream truck would show up at that time, around 6:00 pm. I was so thirsty after only an hour in the playground. I usually took Sophia to a playground called Robbins Farm which is in Arlington Heights and has that huge slide on the hill (see my “face plant” entry). However because of all the wood chips along the paths, it’s not a great place to ride a big wheel like Sophia’s, and I wanted her to finally ride on that thing outside. Still she wanted to go on the swings, which she had suddenly been fascinated with after years of hating them. So this was one park that I thought would work by the Mystic River, but wasn’t sure they had swings there. Sure enough they had swings.

We had already been there for an hour when we were ready to leave. Well, I was ready to leave, as my mouth was drying out. I said five more minutes, but I of course gave her another 2 minutes on the swing. It was lucky that I did. As I’m trying to get Sophia off the swings, I head someone calling my name. I look up and it’s my friend and minister, Hank, with his daughter Ruth over his shoulders. Turns out he lives up the block from the park (at least until he moves) and goes there all the time. Basically we had an unintended playdate because of a fluke. Sophia really likes hanging out with Ruth (who is two years younger than Sophia) so they had a fun time, and I got a chance to catch up with Hank.

It’s funny that Hank and I, who I’ve known since I was about 16 or so and knew each other from hanging out with at UU youth cons, are now parents hanging out with our kids in the neighborhood park. I think this dawned on me more as the conversation went on. We told me that he always goes to this park; I told him I always go to Robbins Farm.

“I always mean to go out there. That’s the one with the huge slide right?” Hanks said. I said yeah and that Sophia loves that park. “Did you know Wilson’s Farm has a free petting zoo?” Hank replied. I was listening to this and thinking is this what happens to teenagers from the ’70s/’80s who now have kids in their 30s? Conversations used to be “did you hear the new Ramones’ album?” “You gotta get the new Motorhead disc.” Now it’s about which are the best playgrounds to go to. I had to cringe and/or laugh a little at that realization.

While Sophia and Ruth were running up and around the new gymboree—plastic slides, treated wood bridges, rope ladders all on wood chip padding—Hank suddenly remembered when the jungle gyms were much different. We both remember those days. When the rope ladders were half-inch steel chains, the slides and swings were slabs of metal and the wooden bridges left you scuffed if you were lucky, with splinters if you weren’t. Those were our childhood days. Sophia complained that the slide was warm when it was in the sun too long. Not sure how she would have dealt with the metal slides back in the day, when the sun cooked a metal slide hot enough to burn your legs on the way down. That was half the fun in those days. The worst thing these days on the slides are, at worst, landing wrong at the bottom, and at best, static electricity. Ruth definitely had the static electric hairdo after a number of turns up and down the swing; sometimes I’m never sure if Sophia is going to remember how to stick the landing on the slides. We took Sophia and Ruth over to the swings and said to Hank, “Remember when the swings were metal, too?” The new ones of course are rubber and contour to a kids butt, however the one plus side the metal ones had was standing on them was so much easier. One of the parents overhearing our conversation had to ask just how old we were. That definitely brought me down to earth.

Sophia and Ruth had to take turns pushing a little baby in the swing. I’m not sure if that’s a big thing for the little girls or any older child in general. Being the big kid and able to help another kid. Ruth and Sophia got turns to be that for each other that day. Sophia got to help Ruth use her Dora big wheel bike, Ruth got to help Sophia climb up a rickety wooden bridge that Ruth pretty much runs up on a whim. Sophia cried every step up for the first few turns, then she figured it out. I don’t think I was ever that helpful as a kid. Then again I was a boy. Rather than try to help anyone, we were busy trying to do everything ourselves for the first time. Sophia definitely has that trait right now. You try to help her and she throws a fit.

It’s weird seeing a negative aspect of yourself put onto your own child. It’s especially hard trying to get her out of the habit that you yourself can’t seem to shake. It’s almost as if you’re watching your mistakes being put on another generation, but at the same time trying to correct them while still not doing anything about the root cause within you. It feels very hypocritical because it is, yet you’re not sure what else to do.

I know of the thought of having kids was always an ambiguous concept for me. When I was younger I could imagine if things were much better for me, farther in the future, the idea of having kids would be a possibility with the right person. In reality I never planned on it, never expected to have any. In fact, I knew I was probably better off not being a father, if only because I knew I was unstable as it was. Having a kid when you’re too self focused (not necessarily self-obsessed but definitely trying to see what you need that has to come first) is not the best situation. I feel that children suffer in such a situation. I know I had my problems with the same family dynamic growing up and I didn’t want to see that for anyone I wanted to bring into the world. Now I have to bite the bullet and be the authority figure I never really wanted to be, or at least be it when I’m not at my best to do so. That’s what it means to be a parent in these modern times.

It was getting late for Hank and he had to take Ruth home. Sophia and Ruth said their goodbyes and Hank and his daughter headed up the street to their house. I settled Sophia down and get her to tell me what she wanted for supper once we got home. First she says she wants a cheese sandwich, then she wants noodles; somewhere between the two I have to figure out her menu for the night. I’ve settled into my life these days and every day is simply trying to manage temper tantrums, strange games of hide and seek in a small apartment, and trying to figure out which playground to go to. She never did ride that big wheel that day though.

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May 29, 2007 by Dave.

I was going to start this out with boy do I ned to get off my ass and write, but that isn’t even the problem. Those who read my stuff, know I’m going through a big financial crisis. I’m not sure if I’m going to file for bankrupcy, but that option is on the table right now. And it SUCKS! Being overly anxious about my finances is bad enough, but now it’s affecting my writing. I already have bad internal censors as it is, but now they’re in overdrive. Before it’s like “Is this line good enough?” Now it’s “will this line make the difference between selling the script or not?” It’s a horrible way to go through the creative process. You can’t be thinking of money at every keystroke, but because of the potential for bankrupcy now, that’ where I’m at. Money should never determine what or how I write; money troubles however screw with your creative process. I’m in that boat right now.

I’m looking at a few ways to get out from under this. Meanwhile I have plenty of stuff to try and write. If I can keep my head from exploding in the process or not die in a pnaic over money, I’ll be okay.

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May 15, 2007 by Dave.

Mother’s day in the park. I had Sophia for mother’s day as part of the mother’s day gift to Susan, her mom. It was an interesting time at the playground to say the least.

Sophia first was running after every dog in the park trying to pet them. The she wanted to see the baby of the woman who was helping her on the seesaw. At one point Sophia was starting up a ladder to the gymboree, the woman was walking away with her child when the wind picked up a second. Sophia gets off the ladder,starts running after mother and child and says “I’ve got to help the baby with her hat.” I look over thinking the child’s hat blew off, but it’s still on her head. Literally a second after I said to Sophia that the baby is still wearing the hat, another gust of wind comes along and blows the cap off, right in Sophia’s path for her to pick up and give to the baby.

Her next haircut I start looking for the 6’s on her scalp. (Of course I’m kidding; my friend’s daughter has the 6′ s in her hair and has said so herself LOL!)

I’m usually the one who takes Sophia out to the playground. Her doctor wants her to get exercise and drop some weight. But for almost 45 minutes or so she was sitting on the swings and letting me push her. So we had this little exchange:

Me: Sophia, it’s really nice outside. And we’re not going to be here all that long. Don’t you want to go on the jungle gym? You should be running around on a day like this.

Sophia: (pause) Push me.

So that went on for another 20 minutes or so.

Before we left the park, she decided to go once on the big slide. This playground has a slide built into the side of one of the hills there (it’s the highest point in Arlington and for my money has the best view of Boston). Needless to say it’s pretty big. Sophia loves that slide and is up and down on that thing all the time we’re there. She wasn’t much that day because it was a warm day, she was wearing a skirt and the plastic on the slide was pretty warmed up by the sun. So this was the first time on the slide for her today. Of course I wasn’t worried. She went down the slide and picked up some speed. I still wasn’t worried, since she’s having done it numerous times and knew what she was doing. Wen she continued to pick up speed towards the end, I actually still wasn’t worried because she knew how to stick a landing well. It’s when she just got to the bottom and she hadn’t slowed down or prepared for the end that I said a silent, “oh-no”.

She hit the landing feet first and the rest of her went flying forward, forcing her to land on her knees and face. The only reason I can think of for her not landing correctly was taht she spent so much time on the swings that she wasn’t used to the suddeness of the slide. The crying nearly immediately started after that. She was okay except for the scratches down her nose and on her knee. Of course the wipes I had were in her backpack which was near the sandbox on the other side of the playground, and I wasn’t about to walk her until I knew she could walk and that her knee was in decent shape. After that and getting the dirt out of her mouth, I cleaned her up and took her back home. She had enough excitement for one day.

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May 12, 2007 by Dave.

I’ve been reluctant to write about a subject on one of my favorite web sites for a couple of weeks because it’s in response to other blogs and postings put up on the site. What’s sad about that is that is usually the blog I post with stuff I would rather not blog elsewhere due to privacy concerns and also it’s a community that I trust. However I don’t want to start a flaming war of any kind (which is sort of what this will turn out to be) so I’m posting this here for now.

On that site, there’s a woman who’s been posting stuff on her feelings on adoption. Her biggest problems stems from her having given up a child for adoption, had some contact with the family (photos and some letters) and then having contact cut off. Recently she’s become radicalized about forced adoption and coercive techniques used to get babies on the market for adoption. She’s using her energy and the site to speak about about and against the subject.

Now I know about adoption from a number of different angles:

1.    I myself am adopted (and so is my sister)

2.    Sophia’s mom is enduring a similar situation with her other daughter—she had her parental rights severed, the child was placed with another family with visitations, and then her visits were inexplicably taken away.

So I’m not necessarily opposed to her feelings on the matter. However she’s been talking about the Nazi adoption/assimilation program used to strengthen the Aryan race, and how there is a similar structure to adoption programs today. I’m not saying it never happens; history proves it does (famously with the Australian aborigines at the turn of the century and with the American Indians in the late 1800s; and in less known, more subtle ways with the African slave trade in the Americas and the Caribbean). However being transracially adopted and Jewish-Polish (my mother is Jewish of Russian-Polish descent; the modern story used in her tale was of a Polish adoptee) when you start bringing up Nazis and adoption, then you’ve hit a sore spot with me. Granted I was annoyed before this but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

There is always a point where zealots go to far, and that was it for me. It got me to thinking about the problem with zealots and evangelists. While there are times what they may say is true and there is no doubt they themselves believe it (and sometimes rightfully so), they leave no room for opinions other than theirs. Everything is filtered through this new radical experience to an extent that that is all they see, and any other opinion is wrong or simply don’t get it. What’s worse, if taken to extreme they expect you to believe the same thing, and will say things over and over and over until you agree or are brainwashed. There is no sense of “this is what happened to me” rather than “this is the state of the world for all.” Or other times, it is “this is what happened to me” masquerading as “this is the state of the world”—using the argument of the latter to explain the former.

When it becomes blanket statements rather than personal specifics (”I” statements), it is trying to include everyone in their situation. Being someone who is generally happy with the parents I was adopted by, I resent it. I know that the laws of privacy, visitations, open/closed adoptions are there for justifiable reasons—reasons that protect both the child and the families in the situations. I don’t know everything about my biological parents, but I also haven’t been active in the search—partly by choice, partly by “out of sight, out of mind.” I have found out some things and I will no most everything in time, but I do know that it is also my issue to resolve and no one else’s.

Like I said, I personally know people in a situation where the adoption was problematic. I know she has issues of her own adoptive situation, and I am not unsympathetic. However when all statements so far have been to assume every adoptive situation is the same and all parties must rise up against the system, I will not support it not be a party to it. Eventually I’ll be able to talk about this more openly in different forums as well.

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May 10, 2007 by Dave.

Credit cards = $16,500 with a blown up minimum payment of $650 due by end of this month.

Student loans = $70,000 (2 separate loans—monthly payments total $477)

Back taxes owed = $6,500

Not being able to afford your life = priceless/worthless.

I am seriously stressed these days over money. I’m pretty much living check to check these days between paying all my bills and even back ones (the past winter oil bills are also painful). When some of these bills get bigger, I freak out. The big one right now is paying a $650 blown up payment on a credit transfer. I transferred the balance on two credit cards onto one for a reduced financing fee. I’m still not sure what the regular payments will be after this. Sadly I’m not even worth much more dead than alive as my debts would eat up any insurance claims.

My old professor used to say that once you sell a screenplay, you’re problems are over. Another friend told him “Well are you gonna buy it?” Lately it feels like getting one of my scripts sold is not going to happen. I get close but nothing ever happens. You know I don’t even want to be rich, I just want to be debt free. I want to live without worry. Not sure if that’s going to happen anytime soon.

I’m feeling frustrated at every turn and very little hope ahead. It really sucks.

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May 1, 2007 by Dave.

Actually it’s in the postman’s hands by tomorrow morning. All the stuff for the Sundance Writers lab are off to Beverly Hills by priority mail. Right now this is something I really want. Last year I had a great experience with NALIP’s Latino Writers Lab and that is based on the Sundance model. This year I’m taking a risk and going for the big kahuna itself. Hoping it pays off.

Send any good vibes my way and out to the universe. Thanks!

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May 1, 2007 by Dave.

While I was in LA on my trip, I got to read at what is turning into my favorite poetry spots in Santa Monica—Crimson Spot (they’re in my friends list if you want to check them out). While there, I caught a wonderful performer playing one of the last sets of the night. Soon after the night was done, I bought Tara Ellis’ new CD Proper Lady. It was a bit of a surprise hearing what she recorded, if only because she’s much better live than what she has on CD so far.

Proper Lady is a self described “alternative soul CD with a live band feel.” It is definitely a white soul album, bringing to mind Pink’s Can’t Take Me Home, especially some of the later tracks on the CD. Immediately Did I Tell You springs to mind. With its chorus of Prince-like harmonies and approach mixed with an Alicia Keys sensibility, it is one of the standouts of the album. The title track is a definite anthem right out of the Pink playbook, but with lyrics and structure that Pink hasn’t come to approach yet. At once catchy, independent, and stand your ground tough, it’s a song that can come to define this artist if she herself wasn’t genre mixing. The song Crazy Baby is probably the reason I bought the CD in the first place. Lyrically sophisticated, musically straightforward but an old school arrangement, it is a crowd favorite for obvious reasons. Her voice pleads as well as rejects in a song about just that in a semi-doomed relationship. Shine is a great closer to the album, simple, spare lyrics with a slow soul, gospel and 70s R&B feel, and Ellis backed by the choral group in there really feels like this would be done right in church, even if it ends a bit too soon.

There are a couple of misses on the CD. Gimme Gimme tries way too hard to be the single that Proper Lady already is. It felt like an afterthought to me, like we need this, forgetting they had a song to fill a role. A couple of songs are so close in tone and arrangement and they follow one another that it’s hard to tell which is which. However that doesn’t take away from the rest of the CD. The other problem with the CD is that it is EQ’d a bit off. There’s WAY too much bass in the instruments that it’s almost painful. And to get that bass, I think they sacrificed some of Tara’s vocals, which while a beautiful soprano, has a much fuller feeling heard live (and I heard her both acoustic and a capella that night so I can tell). If anyone deserves a record deal in order to remix a decent demo CD she does. It’s well worth the investment.

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