Getting Better, But Not Any Easier

January 4, 2007 by Dave.

So I guess this is officially day three since starting the advice of not contacting that girl. However it’s really only been a full 24 hours/one day that I haven’t tried to contact her. What’s hard about this is that all I really want to do is call her and tell her what a crappy day I’m having or something like that.

I know I’m doing this to myself. That friend/ex-f*** buddy who gave me this advice asked me an interesting question that same day: Why do I always go after the women with a lot of emotional issues/baggage? It is a good question. I mean after the stalker chick incident last summer, you’d think I wouldn’t be so needy for people in general. A lot of this is my own bullshit.  I’m an emotional wreck in need of a stabalizing personality to help me through things. It’s like I need some one to love me in order to feel loved. Horrible situation to be in. I know that’s mostly my life but I’m not sure what to do here. Yes a huge part of me is yelling to forget about it and the hell with her. But there’s the other part of my brain that thinks that she really is worth fighting for. We clicked once, and it can happen again if she’d just talk to me.

There’s other parts of this too. I hate losing. HATE it. Mainly because any defeat seems like that’s all my life is destined for: defet after defeat afdter defeat with nothing ever getting better. Another part is I hate NOT knowing what is going on. If you tell me to leave, I’ll leave. You want me to hound you till your dying days, DON’T tell me a thing. I hate leaving things unanswered (I’m not a stalker really; more the clingy lost puppy). that’s also a lot of my childhood too– not getting answers when I wanted or needed them. Right now I need an answer and I’m not getting one.

I think I ate my weight in peanut M&Ms. When I get anxious/depression I eat. Chocolate is the worst for me (I KNOW this) and today I aimed right at it. I think I would have been fine with the one bag but of course the vending machine wouldn’t let the damn thing go no matter how hard I shook the machine, so I had to buy the second to get the first. I was doing well up until that point.

In better news, that treatment is finished. I like where it ended at and I think it’s good enough to suck someone into the story if they read it. Now I just have to get it into the hands of the guy who wants this film to be made: Morgan Freeman. He said in an interview with Charlie Rose that this is the character he wants to play, and I wrote the treatment with the intention of getting it to him and try to get the writing assignment. But getting it into his hands is the hard part. Only started working on that part.

Why do I pick all the hard stuff to do?

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