January 28, 2007 by Dave.

My mom retired on Friday after 16 years of working at District Council 37, the largest municipal trade union in New York City. They had a big semi surprise party for her to wish her farewell and celebrate her time there. I say it was a semi surprise party because she knew something was going on and they wanted to plan something so she had to know what. The big surprise apparently was that I drove down to NYC from Boston to be there with Sophia. She knew family would be there but not me. That was a shock to here when we finally walked in the room, despite making ridiculously good time, two traffic things stalled us for a combined 45 minutes. At the first one by the time we got moving again, there was no evidence of what happened to cause that delay. Now the second accident was on the turnoff from the George Washington Bridge to the West Side Highway causing another clog of about 15 minutes. This one bothered me becauase I was late, but at least I could see the tow truck moving the damaged car in the middle of four turnoffs. The thing that pissed me off is that first delay happened and killed a record time but I never saw why. If I’m going to be stuck on I-95 for close to half an hour getting late to my mother’s retirement party, I think I deserve to see why! If I’m stuck there for a half hour, I want to see blood strewn upon the asphalt. I want to see a caved in car on fire, I want to see a nine car pile up and wall-to-wall ambulances. I can empathize if you give me a reason to empathize about. Otherwise I wasted my time for nothing!

Anyway Sophia and I were hungry when we got there so I’m glad they had food, and many of the other people there were giving testimonies to my mom so I got a chance to hear those no problem. However my mom spoke last and warned people there that this would be a sermon– she got her master’s from Union Theological Seminary and James Forbes was her instructor at preaching class, so she was going to use it. She of course made an amazing speech talking about the how working at a union is very personal to her– both her parents were unionists and immigrants– and what she plans to do with her time now– working to get universal, single-payer health care passed in this country. But of course Sophia had a lot to say to me at the table about the decorations, what kind of food she wants to eat, asking what certain stuff was, etc. However I wanted to hear my mom talk. However there’s no way to get a four year old to stop talking or asking questions when that’s what she wants to do. It’s also hard to shush your daughter so you can hear you mom talk. The one clear thought I remember was wanting to tell her that she should be quiet because a great woman is speaking but I knew that would go over her head.

Really it was a great speech and I’m not saying this as her son. She really spoke about prominent topics to a captive audience. When you tell an entire room full of union workers that the only rights workers have is the right to die on the job, you’re hitting all the good points. And again she educates people in her speeches. The one point I took away was when she said “Government does not cede any rights that aren’t taken from them.” I know she meant it in the non-violent way of MLK Jr. But I also know she’s a  fan of Malcolm X’s and can be very radical in her thoughts. She even went as far to say that even Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama are NOT saying “Single-Payer” when they talk about universal health care, and that the unions have to force them to start saying it. Granted I know nothing about single payer universal health care but I do need to look into it. And I also realized I’m more like her than I thought when she talked about standing on the shoulders of ancestors talking about union history, and that we need to examine again how they did it then when there was NOTHING and apply it to the struggle now. Very moving speech.

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January 17, 2007 by Dave.

I’ve got way too much stuff on my mind right now. The biggest thing: the IRS is after me again. I was audited before by the state and now the feds are taking their turn. At this point they disallowed all my travel expenses so I owe about $6,500 for two years of taxes and if I want to contest it this time, I’d have to go to tax court. My accountant says she can’t do anything at this point and that I need a tax lawyer. I’ve already told her that I won’t be using her after this year, but now I’m wondering if I should use her this year at all. She kept saying no news is good news, and that turned out to be bullshit. I have until April 11 to decide what I want to do (it may cost me more to defend against this that it would to just pay it), and in the meantime I’m considering my accounting options.

In other continuing sagas, I heard back from that girl again. I heard from her via Myspace last Friday. She likes me but she is (her words) “a mess and completely wrapped up in myself.” She’s very scared to connect to people. I know this but it sucks that I can’t do anything about it. It’s an “it’s not you, it’s me” situation and I hate it. I still want to talk to her though. The pull is less than it was before so I don’t know how that will work out. I did try to call her earlier today and left a message to say hi. Not that I expect to hear back from her for a while. I can’t live on hope anymore and I’m not really going to look for anyone for a while. Too beaten up.

My life feels like I know the steps I have to take but am either too depressed to do them or too stressed out. Something’s got to give.

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January 13, 2007 by Dave.

As seen on the Fresh Pond Cinema in Cambridge, MA.

Rocky  Holiday

Pretty sure this sums up mine and other’s holiday season this year.

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January 12, 2007 by Dave.

After the week was over, I tried to call her a couple more times. Haven’t heard back. I have been defending her as being busy and sometimes I still do, but I don’t think at this rate I’m going to hear from her again, or when I do it will be too late. I called her one more time yesterday saying “I’m not going to bug her” with phone calls anymore if that was the case. I still wonder what I did wrong, like I pushed her away and all that. I wrote, I sent flowers, I tried to be supportive and understanding. What the hell did I do to not hear from her? It really sucks.

I mailed her Christmas present to her as well. I got her a copy of the 2007 Poetry Market. It’s a list of which publications accept poetry submissions, how much they pay, submission requirements, etc. I got it earlier in the year and wanted to give it to her over the holidays, which is one reason why not hearing back from her really hurt. She’s really a great poet and she needs to get her writing out there. Hopefully she’ll use the book for the better. I know there is a hope that I’ll hear back from her even to say thanks and we can talk then, but I don’t think that will happen. I’ve been hoping against hope for a while, and while I would still like that to happen, I’m not sure it will. Still she deserves to have the book. I’d like to see her writing out there.

Meanwhile I’m trying to get back into revising my most recent script and get that treatment to Morgan Freeman. I have a little help and a lead, but need to hammer some things out. Wish me luck.

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January 10, 2007 by Dave.

The week of not trying to talk to this girl ended last night. I called a couple of times and still no response. I never got through to her just to her machine. I’ve been pretty much a wrreck all day today. Thank god it’s my day off because I can’t deal right now. I think I had it in the back of my head that she might actually answer the phone after this week. Guess not.

This happened to me before a couple of years ago. Someone I started dating called me once and then jsut avoided all my calls and emails. Just stopped talking. I got the hint. This timepart of it is that this girl tends to jsut be inaccessable. But I don’t know. Part of me hoped this was someone worth fighting for but that isn’t going to happen.

However like I said the last time or so ago, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t look for someone knowing I’m not going to get anywhere with anyone anymore. It hurts too much. I have nothing left to give anyway.

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January 8, 2007 by Dave.

Sometimes it was good to have Sophia this weekend. Other times is wasn’t. I was glad to have her around to take my mind off of this girl. But this was before I took her to the playground today. It’s a nice place that I always take her to, but seeing too many happy couples drove me a bit mental. Nearly tuned out completely, but you can’t do that when you’re watching a four year old. Also couldn’t escape anywhere for a good cry.

At church I did get to speak to a woman who I was interested as well at one point in time. I also thought she felt the same way but guess I was wrong. Sensing a pattern in my life? Yeah I break my own heart all the time. Fall too hard, too fast, and can’t detach myself from the inevitable fallout. This woman someone I could still talk to so it wasn’t devastating. She’s good people. Also got the pleasure to see Dr. Funky Ethan at church. Surprised to see him there (and almost didn’t recognize him with all the hair) and I got to introduce him to Sophia in person. He said he thought he saw her once before and I don’t think he did ever. Funny how omnipresent she’s been in my life for almost three years that people feel like they know her already. Well, I’ve blogged about her enough here.

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January 6, 2007 by Dave.

No I’m not giving up on life or giving up on waiting out that week long embargo on calling this girl I like– although this is a bit of an offshoot of that. I’m talking about giving up on any and all chances of having a romatic relationship. I’m really at my wits end here and not talking to (really rather not hearing back from) this girl is spurring this on. I mean if I can’t even have a reasonable expectation of having a relationship with someone who likes me, what shot do I have at all? I see no prospects, I see no hope, and being this depressed is never going to get me anywhere with anyone so really why bother? If this girl doesn’t want to talk to me after this week, I know for a fact that once I get out of this funk, I’m not goign to be looking for anyone for some time. I’m just done.

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January 5, 2007 by Dave.

I was supposed to have a lunch date today. This was with someone I know on Myspace that I’ve spoken to for a while. I say was supposed to because she was a no-show. This happened with the same woman about five months ago. That time she plain forgot that we had a lunch date. This time her son had to be taken to the hospital. I can let that go. The place I was supposed to meet her was in Nashua, NH. A mile up the road where the restaurant is is the UU church there. They have poetry readings there on the second Friday of each month. I saw that girl I’m trying to not talk to at that reading (an absolutely amazing poet BTW). This is another thing that happens to me. Lots of no shows. Funny… doing something to take my mind off of something jsut brouight it all back.

I’ve been asking a bunch of contacts I’ve made over the last year if anyone knows anyone at Morgan Freeman’s production company (Revelations Entertainment). Still sifting, but I may get lucky with that.

What’s kind of sad is that this is the most consistently I’ve written this journal in almost all thje time it’s been up.

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January 4, 2007 by Dave.

So I guess this is officially day three since starting the advice of not contacting that girl. However it’s really only been a full 24 hours/one day that I haven’t tried to contact her. What’s hard about this is that all I really want to do is call her and tell her what a crappy day I’m having or something like that.

I know I’m doing this to myself. That friend/ex-f*** buddy who gave me this advice asked me an interesting question that same day: Why do I always go after the women with a lot of emotional issues/baggage? It is a good question. I mean after the stalker chick incident last summer, you’d think I wouldn’t be so needy for people in general. A lot of this is my own bullshit.  I’m an emotional wreck in need of a stabalizing personality to help me through things. It’s like I need some one to love me in order to feel loved. Horrible situation to be in. I know that’s mostly my life but I’m not sure what to do here. Yes a huge part of me is yelling to forget about it and the hell with her. But there’s the other part of my brain that thinks that she really is worth fighting for. We clicked once, and it can happen again if she’d just talk to me.

There’s other parts of this too. I hate losing. HATE it. Mainly because any defeat seems like that’s all my life is destined for: defet after defeat afdter defeat with nothing ever getting better. Another part is I hate NOT knowing what is going on. If you tell me to leave, I’ll leave. You want me to hound you till your dying days, DON’T tell me a thing. I hate leaving things unanswered (I’m not a stalker really; more the clingy lost puppy). that’s also a lot of my childhood too– not getting answers when I wanted or needed them. Right now I need an answer and I’m not getting one.

I think I ate my weight in peanut M&Ms. When I get anxious/depression I eat. Chocolate is the worst for me (I KNOW this) and today I aimed right at it. I think I would have been fine with the one bag but of course the vending machine wouldn’t let the damn thing go no matter how hard I shook the machine, so I had to buy the second to get the first. I was doing well up until that point.

In better news, that treatment is finished. I like where it ended at and I think it’s good enough to suck someone into the story if they read it. Now I just have to get it into the hands of the guy who wants this film to be made: Morgan Freeman. He said in an interview with Charlie Rose that this is the character he wants to play, and I wrote the treatment with the intention of getting it to him and try to get the writing assignment. But getting it into his hands is the hard part. Only started working on that part.

Why do I pick all the hard stuff to do?

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January 3, 2007 by Dave.

Honestly, I was actually doing reallly well. I didn’t call her all day or text her or nothing. Thought about her a lot and just tried to let it go. Of course that treatment is at a point where I’m stuck so that didn’t help. So I’m on line for some research (re: downloading porn again), when I check myspace page. Since she’s in my top 16 friends list, her icon is there and it says she’s on line. This NEVER happens. She’s on occasionally and that’s it. So I thought about it (maybe for too long) and against my better judgement, I IM’d her in myspace. I waited… no response. I look and she’s no longer on Myspace. Now she could have gotten off at the same time and it was a coincidence but I’m like driving myself nuts thinking maybe she jumped off BECAUSE I IM’d her. No idea. And of course since I need answers I try to call her. I hung up before she could answer (or her machine answered) but I still couldn’t even go through one day… well one day was last night.

And I’m still stuck on this treatment. No guarnatee it’s What a wonderful fucking day.

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